I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
