Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
