i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
