some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
