At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
