he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize