your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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