just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
