You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
