I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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