why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
