i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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