My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
