Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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