mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
