I look better un-naked...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
