just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
