I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
