Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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