Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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