Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
