Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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