I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
