When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
