hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
