I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
