I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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