im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
