it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
