i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
