It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
