Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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