I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
