Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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