the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
