My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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