When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They took my balls.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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