So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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