just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Still dying that you shit outside
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
