Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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