Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
