Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize