Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
