I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I am available for nakedness
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
