just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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