ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
