I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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