apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
