I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
