And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
