The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize