The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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