hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
