How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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