She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
