You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
