she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
