my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Randomize
