Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
